Apart from that.. SAD. Just sadlah.  Although, I do feel that my team gave our best especially in the last two matches. We did great, pumped up ourselves and overall felt OKAY lah about losing. 

Still not fully over losing, but the 'wound in my heart' is healing slowly.  :P

Doing my best to keep a good face, and not get so upset over it.  People kept asking: "Eh.. Win ah?" And I kept going: "Nolaa.. Didn't even get past the group stage."  
Surprised that they had such high opinions of me. HAHA KIDDING. (insert vomit by Eulene here).  Still, thanks for all the encouragement guys.  :)  

I love my friendly people.  Okay that came our wrong.  I LOVE MY FRIENDS.  :D  More like it.  Totally. They is rocking.  

Special thanks to Natasha Neoh Babi, Don Shakir, Radin Fazlan Amir, Eulene Ooi Noob Pig and Dabi Boey Pig for making my day so much better.  :)  
Thanks Sarah Khoo too for being such a  great manager, giving all that encouragement and being an amazing friend to us today.  

THANK YOU EVERYBODEYH!  :D
Special thanks to you too.  :P   

Feeling a lil' bit high now.  WHEE.  Wave Party tomorrow!  

St. Johns rocks, people.  :D

Labels: down, randomness, sad, wave challenge

Labels: emo, miss, sad, stress, you.

I miss texting you just to wish you good morning. :)

Or texting you in the evening just to ask how your day went.  Random texts and 'take care's or 'i love you's don't exist anymore.  

I miss texting you till late at night just so we could accompany each other, or just so that i know you're fine.

I miss texting you.  D:

Labels: emo, miss, sad

Labels: disappointed, floorball, sad

wahh stress.  exams on wednesday, thursday and friday.

KFSPP on saturday.  hols start on the 4th too.  

our guys team bee-jay bahaya got fourth placing in KFSPP. lost to hamid khan thunderboltz.  

SXI lunatics lost to pfs in the finals.  super super sad. both in penalties weii.  

Labels: adolescence, bee-jay, challenges, disappointed, floorball, sad, school, tough

Was looking back a some old posts. was close to tears yet again.  Nevermindforgetit.

Me and my heart we got issues.  HAHA.  that song has been stuck in my head for like, forever.  :)

Am lazy to  show my butt face for floorball trainings.  I need some encouragement!  
Penang Bridge Marathon.  Do you think 28 km could kill?

You Are My Strength. - Hillsong.

Labels: blah, depression, emo, randomness, sad

It's over.  Thank you.  

" But you put on quite a show, really had me going, 
now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing..

that's was quite a show, very entertaining..
but it's over now.

Go on and take that bow. "

i miss you lah.  

Labels: challenges, depression, sad, song

Labels: emo, love, sad, stuff

I finally have to face it. sooner or later. i pick now. 

the big question is ..

IS floorball taking me away from God?  and my studies?

it's so hard to bring yourself to acknowledge that something so huge in your life is finally taking its toll on you. 

since the time i first got introduced to floorball, it's been close to half a year.  i don't know, i somehow didn't really have a flair for floorball neither did i have a liking for it immediately.  slowly, after constant urging from pei li and aso, i finally made it.  27th february was my first frontliners training.  it was awesome.  

sure.  i love 300 with all my heart.  that i cannot deny. i love the little kids. their like family.  but .. the sport?  i feel so guilty saying this but, 1). i don't htink i'll go far.  2). i've tonned down so much. not an advantage no more.  3). it's tkaing me away from the most important things in one's life.

if ever anything replaces my main love, or becomes top priority apart from God, then that thing has to go.  i say this not because i live it, because i know it's the right thing to do.  i'm not righteous, i don't have a clean record, nor am i perfect.  but the matter of fact is, God comes first.  when i die, it's not floorball i'm gonna take with me.  that's not what's gonna get me to heaven.  

truly guilty now.  HONEST.  kuan yang, if you happen to read this. i know, my bad. i don't know. i guess it was pressure?  i'm sorryyyy. i need time ot sort stuff out.  might be taking a break from floorball to get my priorities straight. 

this stinks. floorball was the main thing i had, considering i don't have a boyf and all.
but right, I DON'T KNOW NOW.  geez i failed. blah.

gotta take a breather. set things right.  if i don't have floorball, honestly speaking, i won't die.  i won't go to hell.  but if i don't have God, my creator,  how can i live a single day?

dilemma-ed. gone.  exams coming.  psshttt.  DIE. 

Labels: confused, depression, disappointed, emo, faith, floorball, frustration, God, sad

Labels: confused, emo, frustrated, sad, song, stuff

" my best friend's a total jerk. "

that's what she's probably thinking right now. heh.  i'm sorry.

u wanna be mad about it okay fine. it was my fault anyway.

Labels: adolescence, disappointed, emo, frustrated, mad, sad

she knew he was starting off the run with his brother and good friend. she knew that the friend could not keep up with him and that his brother would be with the girlfriend. she knew that he could take care of himself and run fast enough. she knew he could finish the marathon well in time. she knew he would do his best. she knew he could do it all. 

being considerably tired, she forced herself to stay awake and fresh to make sure she could see her friends finish that marathon. she forced herself to walk all the way back to the starting point to look for them. to wish them all the best. having walked and stood almost the whole night, she pushed herself past the hundreds of people to the starting point. she searched in the crowd. all those green shirts. although she didn't think she would stand a chance of finding them, she forced herself to screen through all of the people. but she missed them. by the time they realised she had been searching for them, she was a long way of. 

being quite dissapointed with the fact that she could not give them some encouragment before the run, she stationed herself in the middle of the lanes and looked at every participant that started running once that race started. her heart pounded against her chest as she thought about shouting out his name when she saw him. but no, she didn't see him. feeling dissapointed and down, she was determined to see him nearing the finish line and shouting his name then, just like how she had done for the others. 

she walked up and down the whole finishing lane five times or more non-stop. just hoping to see his face. and to even just be able to see him running and giving his best. she saw his brother, running with all his yeng-ness. she saw a many guys with green shirts running their hearts out towards the finish line. but where was he? it was already 45 minutes or so into the race. he couldn't have taken that long to cover that specific distance. she thought that maybe he had waited for the friend. or maybe he had a cramp. maybe the cramp that he already had was worse?  she worried. she worried alot. 

imagining the scene when he would be brought in by a stretcher to the finishing line. or in an ambulance. she paced faster and faster back and forth. by this time she had made seven or eight rounds back and forth to the traffic light. she still hadn't seen him. he couldn't have taken that long. she knew how he ran. she worried for his safety. she prayed to God to keep him safe. her eyes were swollen and her face puffy from lack of sleep. she still trudged on looking at every quarter marathoner with a hope of seeing him finish the race well. 

an hour into the race, she felt so weak on the inside. as if she couldn't continue looking for him. she wanted so much to sit down by the pavement and rest her body. but her love for him drove her back and forth. just to check and see that he was okay. she felt like crying inside. if he had really been carried in an ambulance to the finishing line, she would have cried her heart out there and then. but she held back. she forced herself to stay strong.

but by God's grace she saw his friend. she ran to meet him, and asked whether the friend had seen him. thankfully, he replied that he had seen him a few momments ago walking away from the finishing line, which meant that he had completed the race and was away from where they were. she felt a surge of relief pass through her body and almost collapsed. but she held herself steady and the both of them went to look for him.

a few minutes later, they saw him. the first time she saw him, she almost didn't catch her breath. he looked so good to her, the way he always was. in his shirt with his sleeves rolled up. her heart melted at the sight, but quickly hardened up again. he started talking to the friend looking at her occaisionally but not uttering a single word to her. she held her feelings back, smiled and nodded. his brother went to give encouragement and support to his girlfriend while the three of them wondered to the drinks tent. as she walked, she knew it wasn't the same. it wasn't back to normal yet. she knew it would never be.

they went around asking who had seen who during the race. and no one had happened to see him. she told him that she had worried since she hadn't seen any sign of him, only his brother. he didn't even bother to reply. he looked away and started to ask his friend whether he had seen his brother during the race. when his brother came to join them with the girlf, again they asked the same question. true, nobody had noticed him during the race, only his brother. his brother agreeing that he had seen her too.  again she said that she had been really worried about him since everyone she asked had not seen him throughout the race.

the five of them walked together in a  group for some time, talking about the marathon and the events happenening around them. never once did he return to that topic or even bother to say it was okay and that she didn't have to worry because he could take care of himself. no, she wasn't expecting him to say any of those, but just a simple 'thank you' or 'it's okay' wouldn't have hurt her at all. but none came out from him. 

soon, they separated and the girls went to find their other two friends. and that was the end. she never got to say goodbye to him. she didn't feel like doing so anyway. she was hurt. 

she really didn't want to feel that way. she was frustrated at herself for being concerned for him. she knew he would be able to take care of himself. why did she even bother?  why did she feel so uneasy when she didn't see him during the marathon?  why did she show a sense of worry?  why why whyy? she asked herself that question over and over again the whole day. but she never really got an answer. 

the truth was, that she still cared for him. it was pretty obvious to her right now, and she couldn't hide from that fact any longer. no matter what, it was as if the feeling was automatic. she couldn't help but care and be concerned for him. she worried for his safety. she thought it was over. but when she hadn't seen him on that lane, she immediately felt as if something was wrong. she couldn't not feel that way even if she had wanted to. she guessed that well, she had gotten too close. too tied up. her feelings were in a mess. 

so even if he didn't care for her, she still would for him. she would silently keep this feeling to herself, portraying it with acts of kindness shown towards him. although she knew that what she did would never be repaid or be replied in the same way, she would press on and give her best for the one she loved. no matter how much it hurt. she would take it all, until that feeling, went away..

what hurts the most, is being so close, and having so much to say..
but watching you walk away..
and never knowing, what could've been..

-what hurts the most. rascal flatts-

i'm sorry. silently, i shall try.. 

Labels: emo, love, sad

i've realised, that i was a fool all along. but i kept holding it back. telling myself that it was okay. that it would all work out. but now, i've finally been able to face the fact, that well, it's just not gonna happen. i'm not good enough perhaps? and yeah, he's got someone else now. 

i tried so hard and yet, all i got was that. no response at all. but she? she doesn't even try. and yeah, it's obvious she's got him wrapped around her finger  he's into her. well?  call me pathetic and desparate. but yeah, it hurts a whole lot. i thinking he was so sweet when actually he didn't care. at all. he didn't even turn to look at me. but heh. who cares anyway?  all the girls surrounding him all the time.

his bro walking with the other girl.  so it's just him and her left. and obviously?  yeah. they spend alot of time together no doubt. but hey, what can i do right? seriously. i have no right. i just wish he could know what i'm thinking and how much hurt i feel. never once did he come and say hi these past few days. we haven't talked at all. except for prefect stuff. i don't know how much longer this is gonna last, or how much more i can take. 

yeah. i'm tyring to hide it sure. faking a smile when i'm around. i try to take my mind of things. involving myself with the form ones. it's worked so far i guess. the form ones are SUPER GREAT. they rock to bits. fun is present when we practise the sketch. :)  but yeah. when he came in, with the rest today, talking to her, i couldn't hold it back. the pain surged through my body. my mind went blank. gahh. i sound so pathetic. 

i actually miss being second best now. i want it back. i want it all back, badly. to have been through so much. it's hard to forget. i don't know why i just can't take my mind of it. just stop thinking about it. and get over it.  

haaa. now? all i can do is wait. i don't know why but yeah. i can't seem to really think about him properly without something forcing me to think of something else. doesn't make sense? heh. it's like i can't focus on anything at all.

i'm learning to forget. slowly. i'm trying to let go. to release my grip. to erase it from my memory. the fact that we were ever that close. slowly. but i'm gettiing there. baby steps zoe, baby steps. 

in school. i felt weird. like, when i tried to think of him, it was a blurred image in my mind. couldn't really make out what i was thinking. i really wasn't thinking anything, really. it was all blank. lepak-ed with nic and jezz. jezz played blues and jazz songs. we had shallow fun going nuts. when i sang to the tunes, my mind was blank. so blank. i couldn't focus. i just sang like a zombie. 

i think i know what i'm feeling. i'm feeling NUMB. yes, it describes the feeling so well. i can't feel anything. cause i'm too numb. it's like i'm immune. seeing them together doesn't hurt me anymore. i don't even feel anything looking at them, even if i wanted to. numb. the feeliing's weird, and scary. but i can't stop myself, hey?

yupp, long post. *sighs*  but i poured out what i felt. if i did feel anything. yeah. don't ask. i'm not okay. faking smiles is what's going on. so you guys won't ask or know. burst out laughing in the prefect's room today. ran out, then i immediately stopped. i didn't feel anything, really. wanted to cry, but no tears came out. what is wrong? gahh. this is piercing. i don't like it. 

-get a life-

Labels: depression, emo, frustrated, sad

ahh, i can't find my BC2008 booklet. dumb rite? HAH. owh well. *sigh*

i miss bible camp so much. a whole week of messages, caring and super fun people, FOOD, games, fellowship, getting closer to GOD, madness, walks on the beach and AWESOMENESS. 

BC08 was the bomb. really, i miss all the messages..
the waking up early in the morning..
sitting on the cold cold floor outside to do devotion..
the games on the beach..
the ice-creams we had..
the group devotions and night games..
the brain-storming..
the late nights we stayed up to talk ( without getting caught :D )
the many fights and quarrels we had and how in the end they actually brought us closer together.
i miss the three monkeys: meng meng, jezron and kels..
i miss poking big bro in the stomach.. *smirks*
i miss rachel chan, my bed partner. waking up everyday and going to bed everyday knowing that you're gona have fun in bed. HAHA. yes dirty, our inside joke. :D

the fun, the laughter, the arguments, the nuttyness. ALL OF IT. i want it back, badly.

i can't wait for bible camp this year. yeah i know alot of the zion-ians ain't coming. they've go thteir own plans. and i'm saying anything about it. every year, i wish the same group people will come back and be in my group. but i know it's not gonna be that way. And, after the first day, i normally get new friends, grow closer to the few who came back, and know i was just being shallow. but heh, it WOULD be awesome for everyone to come back some time. 

meng, adrian and kels aint coming this year. saddening. i miss meng and jez so much. like, dude, they totally ROCKED. our two lovable eunuchs. imma go kacau them right after the big exam. =)  jezron with his  " chill lah weii.. CHILL CHILL! "  x)

i miss: edith my drunk partner in crime. rachel chan the queen and very much loved bed partner. emmilyn darling, the times we had together. shuanggie babe. melanie ann our big sis, who would do so much for the group. rachel tee *hugs a million*

december 2008 was a great month. will it be the same this year? nostalgia consumes me. 

bible campers, i love you guys. zion-ians, don't ever break that bond we have. williammmm!!! nyahahah..

*farts original. (:

 
JEZRON ~ much loved dude of the group. natalia's original. :)
sam lee ~ the awesome musicman-bigbro
MENG~ very much loved brother
melanie ~ the motherly big sis
the gurls ~ much loved and missed. *hugs a trillion*

Labels: bible camp 08, depression, lovess, nostalgia, sad, stuff

14th september..

so yes. kay elle was, fun. xD thank you deborah lor the awesome. :D ahaha. like totally rocked with you. cousins. mm, the love. awwwh, will be missing you kids so much. thanks aunt and uncle. my aunt's house is like, the bomb weih. super... WHITE. xD haha. 

nyee has got ear holes!!! ahh. as in like, for earings. woooooo. first thing when i saw i was like, "nyee u pierced ur ears!!!.." and the first thing she said?  "dont touch.. *walks away "  okay. nvm skip it. xD    awesome, hun, u look more feminine now. and she was like, "go pierce ur ears lah.."  yeah. imma pierce them. aftr peeemare. not just yet. :D

pecutan was LAME in the beginning. then now fun!! haha. sitting with pak and nyee. uber crazy/randomness..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

15th september..

she looked GORGEOUS. absolutely gorgeous. haha. today went to skul. was blurring. then suddenly i saw her. LOL. she was saying sumthing like " yalah, the first thing he said was, nice shoes. look at the face lah, not the legs! hahaha.." and i went oohh, NICE SHOES. xD haha. another one. but seriously, i was stunned. wad with her pierced ears, the earings, the fair legs, short skirt xD and the WHITE sandals. i went staring for a few momments. ;) no i'm not les mind you. and no, i'm not exaggerating. u guys shud've been there. u MISSED it dude. :D  hahaha..

so yes, enuf about gorgeous gurl today. :D i'm missing KAY ELLE now. =( awwh..

kiekieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. yes yes, a sexay anything. wadever you say. xD  SHE WOLF. lol.

me and jeff okay de lah. ish. and stephen oso. haha. aish..

pecutan was well, LAME. sheesh kena change to the back. and then wad? when got empty space in front, THEY got asked to shift place. and i'm like, WAD? that was my old place lah. hehh. wadever lah. sum kind of kawans. pfft. so yesh, today i had camy next to me, and preetem behind me. quite fun lah i guess.wad witht their football bets.  hari, dar and the gang on my left. xD uber fun. haha. MATHS was just just justtt.. HIGH. :D look on the bright side zoe, u're a number of spaces nearer to him. you can cope. no biggie.. hmm..

deborah lor. i.miss.you. sheesh. NOVEMBER. don't worry. xD hahaha..

i like chocolate chip bread. it's nice. :D

meng meng is getting mad with me now. =( aiyoh. GONE.

pu vern's leaving sooonnnn.. T.T haha.. my dear, we've only been up to DAY 7 or 8. and i havent done my best for you yet. haha. for those who don't know, go watch FIREPROOF. xD i'm doing the 40 day course thingie to pu vern. why? coz i love him. hahaha. we crack up thinking abt it. aish.. love you pu. no matter how many times you give me witty retorts and rude comebacks. like this: pu vern ; me

"well hello there toilet bowl licker.."

"sheesh.."

"you shud've said: 'owh yes, i'm fine. i lick toilet bowls like YOU lah..' "

*dot dot dot* seriously, that dude's comebacks are funny. haha. i rmb the captainball 'who is taller?' joke too. :D owh pu, i'll miss you LOADS.

corn and butter with salt. one word: YUMMY. 

so yes, itu saja untuk kali ini, terima kasih kerana membaca. 

Labels: :) hepi, disappointed, fun, nostalgia, sad, skool?, stuff, updates

so not the best week ever..

i'm in the depths of depression. greaaattt. well, there's a time to be happy, a time to be sad. and u knoe wad? i'm sad. a time of mourning. i can't believe it. i dont think it's just hormones. it's for real. owh crap, i knoe, u guys are so not gona want to read some gurl's emo post abt nothing. but yeah, leave then. 

i'm sori mommy. shing, i nvr felt that way towrds u. and i hope u dont too. ur choice, hu u wana listen to. 

you. i love u. ALOT. 

yean, yah. so i'll leave? mehh. wadeverrr.. NOT pms lahh..

deborah, i love u too!. u knoe that. don ever think otherwise.

ah tin, i missed u. T.T

y does everyone think i hate them? that i dont love them? is going around prancing like a monkey telling ppl i love them in the face not enuf? is hugging almost anyone i c and telling them that i care for them not enuf? wad isit then? i dunno. hun, thanks for ur support..

i knoeeee. emo not gud. emmie said don emo. but i cant mengelak. exam stress. =.=''

Psalm 91

 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

   I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. 

 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.

  He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

   You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

  nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

   A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

   You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

   If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge—

  then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

   For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all yourways;

   they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

   You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 
 Because he loves me, says the LORD, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

   He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him.

   With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation

GOD i surrender all i have to u.

i will praise u in this storm,

and i will lift my hands,

u are hu u are, no matter whr i am..

and every tear i've cried, u hold in ur hands,

nvr left my side, and tho my heart is torn..

i will praise u in this storm...

Labels: depression, emo, frustrated, sad

coz YOU belong with ME..

Can u see that i'm the one hu understands u,

Been here all along so y can't u see?

You belong with me...

You belong with me..

coz i love u so..but ahh, we can't be together. o.o

Labels: depression, sad, songs

hurtingg..  yeah. hurting ALOT. dunno how much worse it's gonna be tmr. aiyahh..

pendek kata, i told him that we can't be together coz  i'm a christian, he's not. ok fineeee.. i told my fren to tell him that.. still, he knoes. and she said he's SAD, reaaaal SAD. aiyoyooo.. so yeah. but well, GOD comes first. everything else, BEHIND. so i'll let GOD take control... painful... hu asked me to get involved? padam muka, =(

thanks so much for ur concern guys. :) i luv u!.

I WILL BE HERE - STEVEN  CURTIS CHAPMAN

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear 
I will be here 
If in the dark, we lose sight of love 
Hold my hand, and have no fear 
'Cause I will be here


I will be here 
When you feel like being quiet 
When you need to speak your mind 
I will listen 
And I will be here 
When the laughter turns to cryin' 
Through the winning, losing and trying 
We'll be together 
I will be here 

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up 
And the future is unclear 
I will be here 
Just as sure as seasons were made for change 
Our lifetimes were made for these years 
So I will be here 

I will be here 
And you can cry on my shoulder 
When the mirror tells us we're older 
I will hold you 
And I will be here 
To watch you grow in beauty 
And tell you all the things you are to me 
I will be here 

I will be true to the promise I have made 
To you and to the One who gave you to me 

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up 
And the sun does not appear 
I will be here 
Oh, I will be here

i'll still be here.. 

GOD please take control..

Labels: depression, GOD is in control, sad, songs

FIFTEEN.. - taylor swift

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors

Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

it's so appropriate.. hopefully i'll come to my senses to like in the song. ;) hahahh.. EMO-ness within..

Labels: sad, songs

:)

a song.. from me, to u.

~tell me you love me, i cant wait any longer, oh please, tell me soon..

coz this feeling that we're getting further is stronger, y cant, u feel it too?

coz if u dont, tell me soon, i'll feel i'm losing you..

isi hati saya. :] altho that's not the situation ryte now, but the song was calling me. xP yeah. i even have the chords.. hahahh ask em to sing if u wana hear it. :P

only GOD can cure this broken heart of mine..

Labels: sad, song