i've realised, that i was a fool all along. but i kept holding it back. telling myself that it was okay. that it would all work out. but now, i've finally been able to face the fact, that well, it's just not gonna happen. i'm not good enough perhaps? and yeah, he's got someone else now.
i tried so hard and yet, all i got was that. no response at all. but she? she doesn't even try. and yeah, it's obvious she's got him wrapped around her finger he's into her. well? call me pathetic and desparate. but yeah, it hurts a whole lot. i thinking he was so sweet when actually he didn't care. at all. he didn't even turn to look at me. but heh. who cares anyway? all the girls surrounding him all the time.
his bro walking with the other girl. so it's just him and her left. and obviously? yeah. they spend alot of time together no doubt. but hey, what can i do right? seriously. i have no right. i just wish he could know what i'm thinking and how much hurt i feel. never once did he come and say hi these past few days. we haven't talked at all. except for prefect stuff. i don't know how much longer this is gonna last, or how much more i can take.
yeah. i'm tyring to hide it sure. faking a smile when i'm around. i try to take my mind of things. involving myself with the form ones. it's worked so far i guess. the form ones are SUPER GREAT. they rock to bits. fun is present when we practise the sketch. :) but yeah. when he came in, with the rest today, talking to her, i couldn't hold it back. the pain surged through my body. my mind went blank. gahh. i sound so pathetic.
i actually miss being second best now. i want it back. i want it all back, badly. to have been through so much. it's hard to forget. i don't know why i just can't take my mind of it. just stop thinking about it. and get over it.
haaa. now? all i can do is wait. i don't know why but yeah. i can't seem to really think about him properly without something forcing me to think of something else. doesn't make sense? heh. it's like i can't focus on anything at all.
i'm learning to forget. slowly. i'm trying to let go. to release my grip. to erase it from my memory. the fact that we were ever that close. slowly. but i'm gettiing there. baby steps zoe, baby steps.
in school. i felt weird. like, when i tried to think of him, it was a blurred image in my mind. couldn't really make out what i was thinking. i really wasn't thinking anything, really. it was all blank. lepak-ed with nic and jezz. jezz played blues and jazz songs. we had shallow fun going nuts. when i sang to the tunes, my mind was blank. so blank. i couldn't focus. i just sang like a zombie.
i think i know what i'm feeling. i'm feeling NUMB. yes, it describes the feeling so well. i can't feel anything. cause i'm too numb. it's like i'm immune. seeing them together doesn't hurt me anymore. i don't even feel anything looking at them, even if i wanted to. numb. the feeliing's weird, and scary. but i can't stop myself, hey?
yupp, long post. *sighs* but i poured out what i felt. if i did feel anything. yeah. don't ask. i'm not okay. faking smiles is what's going on. so you guys won't ask or know. burst out laughing in the prefect's room today. ran out, then i immediately stopped. i didn't feel anything, really. wanted to cry, but no tears came out. what is wrong? gahh. this is piercing. i don't like it.
-get a life-
Labels: depression, emo, frustrated, sad
