she knew he was starting off the run with his brother and good friend. she knew that the friend could not keep up with him and that his brother would be with the girlfriend. she knew that he could take care of himself and run fast enough. she knew he could finish the marathon well in time. she knew he would do his best. she knew he could do it all.
being considerably tired, she forced herself to stay awake and fresh to make sure she could see her friends finish that marathon. she forced herself to walk all the way back to the starting point to look for them. to wish them all the best. having walked and stood almost the whole night, she pushed herself past the hundreds of people to the starting point. she searched in the crowd. all those green shirts. although she didn't think she would stand a chance of finding them, she forced herself to screen through all of the people. but she missed them. by the time they realised she had been searching for them, she was a long way of.
being quite dissapointed with the fact that she could not give them some encouragment before the run, she stationed herself in the middle of the lanes and looked at every participant that started running once that race started. her heart pounded against her chest as she thought about shouting out his name when she saw him. but no, she didn't see him. feeling dissapointed and down, she was determined to see him nearing the finish line and shouting his name then, just like how she had done for the others.
she walked up and down the whole finishing lane five times or more non-stop. just hoping to see his face. and to even just be able to see him running and giving his best. she saw his brother, running with all his yeng-ness. she saw a many guys with green shirts running their hearts out towards the finish line. but where was he? it was already 45 minutes or so into the race. he couldn't have taken that long to cover that specific distance. she thought that maybe he had waited for the friend. or maybe he had a cramp. maybe the cramp that he already had was worse? she worried. she worried alot.
imagining the scene when he would be brought in by a stretcher to the finishing line. or in an ambulance. she paced faster and faster back and forth. by this time she had made seven or eight rounds back and forth to the traffic light. she still hadn't seen him. he couldn't have taken that long. she knew how he ran. she worried for his safety. she prayed to God to keep him safe. her eyes were swollen and her face puffy from lack of sleep. she still trudged on looking at every quarter marathoner with a hope of seeing him finish the race well.
an hour into the race, she felt so weak on the inside. as if she couldn't continue looking for him. she wanted so much to sit down by the pavement and rest her body. but her love for him drove her back and forth. just to check and see that he was okay. she felt like crying inside. if he had really been carried in an ambulance to the finishing line, she would have cried her heart out there and then. but she held back. she forced herself to stay strong.
but by God's grace she saw his friend. she ran to meet him, and asked whether the friend had seen him. thankfully, he replied that he had seen him a few momments ago walking away from the finishing line, which meant that he had completed the race and was away from where they were. she felt a surge of relief pass through her body and almost collapsed. but she held herself steady and the both of them went to look for him.
a few minutes later, they saw him. the first time she saw him, she almost didn't catch her breath. he looked so good to her, the way he always was. in his shirt with his sleeves rolled up. her heart melted at the sight, but quickly hardened up again. he started talking to the friend looking at her occaisionally but not uttering a single word to her. she held her feelings back, smiled and nodded. his brother went to give encouragement and support to his girlfriend while the three of them wondered to the drinks tent. as she walked, she knew it wasn't the same. it wasn't back to normal yet. she knew it would never be.
they went around asking who had seen who during the race. and no one had happened to see him. she told him that she had worried since she hadn't seen any sign of him, only his brother. he didn't even bother to reply. he looked away and started to ask his friend whether he had seen his brother during the race. when his brother came to join them with the girlf, again they asked the same question. true, nobody had noticed him during the race, only his brother. his brother agreeing that he had seen her too. again she said that she had been really worried about him since everyone she asked had not seen him throughout the race.
the five of them walked together in a group for some time, talking about the marathon and the events happenening around them. never once did he return to that topic or even bother to say it was okay and that she didn't have to worry because he could take care of himself. no, she wasn't expecting him to say any of those, but just a simple 'thank you' or 'it's okay' wouldn't have hurt her at all. but none came out from him.
soon, they separated and the girls went to find their other two friends. and that was the end. she never got to say goodbye to him. she didn't feel like doing so anyway. she was hurt.
she really didn't want to feel that way. she was frustrated at herself for being concerned for him. she knew he would be able to take care of himself. why did she even bother? why did she feel so uneasy when she didn't see him during the marathon? why did she show a sense of worry? why why whyy? she asked herself that question over and over again the whole day. but she never really got an answer.
the truth was, that she still cared for him. it was pretty obvious to her right now, and she couldn't hide from that fact any longer. no matter what, it was as if the feeling was automatic. she couldn't help but care and be concerned for him. she worried for his safety. she thought it was over. but when she hadn't seen him on that lane, she immediately felt as if something was wrong. she couldn't not feel that way even if she had wanted to. she guessed that well, she had gotten too close. too tied up. her feelings were in a mess.
so even if he didn't care for her, she still would for him. she would silently keep this feeling to herself, portraying it with acts of kindness shown towards him. although she knew that what she did would never be repaid or be replied in the same way, she would press on and give her best for the one she loved. no matter how much it hurt. she would take it all, until that feeling, went away..
what hurts the most, is being so close, and having so much to say..
but watching you walk away..
and never knowing, what could've been..
-what hurts the most. rascal flatts-
i'm sorry. silently, i shall try..
